Baby steps

Over the last week, I've watched my sweet little Connor try so hard to take his first real baby steps. He can stand up on his own and he claps his little hands so hard every time he does. But, at this point, he will only walk when someone is holding his hand. The minute I let go, he sit downs on the ground--purely out of fear, I'm sure, and not for the lack of ability.

The other night, as I was trying so hard to get back to sleep after one of the kids woke me in the middle of the night, I just kept thinking of how exciting it is to watch my little ones grow. Connor is the 3rd child. He's lucky that I remember to feed him sometimes, let alone help him learn how to walk. But the delight it brings me to see him learning new things makes me wonder if this joy is a touch of what God feels when He sees His children taking their first baby steps in our relationship with Him.

From the moment I became a mother, there was no doubt in my mind that there was a God. None. Most of you parents can understand that feeling completely. There is nothing like the miracle of a newborn baby to remind you that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator (check out Psalm 139 if you haven't read it in a while!). But most of you can probably also understand that past hurts and failures often keep us from taking those first very important baby steps after we've made a decision to trust in God. And just like Connor does when I let go of his hand, when things get rough and we don't feel God's hand holding ours anymore, we quit trying--not because we can't keep walking, but because we are afraid of falling. I'm so very guilty of this.

Often times, I am really hard on myself for not being a faster learner. I see others who are seemingly so much stronger in their faith than I am, and I get discouraged. I wonder if God is disappointed in me that I'm not "there" yet, but over the past week or so, God has made it very clear to me that He is not at all disappointed. Am I mad at Connor for not being walk steadily on his own yet? Of course not. In the same way, I'm realizing that God DOES delight in me taking baby steps in my walk with Him. He doesn't get frustrated when I fall because He knows that is how I have to learn to get back up again.

This week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am so thankful for God's patience with me. I am thankful for the gift of seeing my children grow. And I'm thankful for the reminders that baby steps are just that--steps! Small as they might be, if I get good enough at taking them, they'll eventually get me somewhere :)

How did I get here?!

I've had many moments in my life where, in a quiet moment (often at very random times and places), I've thought, "How did I get here?" Not "here" in a physical sense, but at the place in life that I find myself in. Sometimes I've had to ask myself that in the hard times, after a heartbreak or a string of bad decisions. But more often than not it's just because I've been living my life on autopilot and not really living in the moment.

I had one of those moments recently at a stoplight next to Walmart driving my minivan with three very loud children in the backseat. See, when I think of myself, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am a mom. I am a MOM. I am a wife. What?!? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was a misguided college girl without a care in the world? That crazy college kid became a mom before she was ready, that's for sure, but in that moment sitting in my "mommy van", I was just overwhelmingly thankful. How did I get here?? Only by the grace of God. Yup. That's it!

I had another one of those moments this morning after changing Connor's 5th messy diaper (due to a stomach bug). I was sitting on the floor of bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet because, well, besides the fact that poo is just gross, it's doubly nasty when you are 10 weeks pregnant. Yup. I said pregnant :) Chris and I are absolutely delighted that we will, God-willingly, be welcoming our 4th child into this world in early June. I never thought I'd be announcing that I'm pregnant with my 4th child at the age of 26. Actually, I never really thought I'd be saying that at all. I'm so glad that God had other plans for my life because the direction He has taken me in is so much better than any plans that I had made for myself! So maybe it's ok that I don't know how I got "here" because perhaps that means that I haven't been the one in the driver's seat after all. Thank you, Jesus, for taking the wheel of my life. Turns out, You are better at getting me where I need to be than I will ever be!

Don't know if this video will show up it or not....but Becca is getting baptized on Sunday. I am so proud of her. When she first said that she wanted to get baptized, I wasn't sure she was quite ready for that decision in her life. But through talking to her and praying with her, it is clear to me how genuine this little girl is about her love for Jesus. She has pages full of prayers to Jesus in her little prayer journal and it just makes my heart smile to see how much He has been working in her life. Oh yes, she is still Miss Little Attitude a lot, but she has such a kind heart and and loving spirit. I just love her to pieces.

turning my worries into prayers...

"If things go great, then God is God and God is good. If things go horribly wrong, God is still God and God is still good."

I forget which wonderful pastor of mine told us this a couple of weeks ago in church, but I was reminded this morning of this promise--that God is good no matter what.

I worry. I am a worrier. I worry in the morning that I won't get anything that I am supposed to accomplished. I worry throughout the day that I'm not doing the things that I am supposed to be doing. I worry at night when I realize that the majority of the plans I had set out for the day have not actually gotten done. I worry.

I also worry about the bigger things: if i am a good enough wife and mother, about my childrens' salvation, about providing for my family, about our budget, and about our future.

It hit me this morning when I was looking over my prayer journal for the past two years that I should turn all that worrying into PRAYING. This particular prayer journal was started in 2008, after a pretty dark time in my life and my marriage. I wrote a few prayers to God, but then, apparently, my worrying took the place of my prayers and I didn't write in this journal for over 2 years!

A lot has happened in these past two years. We lost two babies to miscarriage. I started working. I lost my job. We were blessed with the miracle of Connor's life. Our other little ones have gotten so big! Chris and I have grown and changed so much as a couple. I see now that all the worries that I turned over to God in these prayers written over 2 years ago were taken care of, even though I wasn't paying attention. I want to pay attention now.

God's plan is perfect. I can see looking through the pages of this journal and the pages of my life, that God cares about every little detail--even the ones that we don't even think twice about. He's been working out the tiny little details of my life to bring it all together at just the right time. He did that without my help and even without my cooperation at times because He loves me. Yes, bad things have happened, good things have happened, and very sad things have happened. But our God in His awesomeness has put together His perfect plan for my life (and yours!) that no amount of worrying will change.

Today, I'm turning my worrying into praying and trusting Jesus to take care of all the details that only He and I know about...

Ryan's decision...

I've been praying real hard for the Lord to begin to work in my little Ryan's heart. Last night, he was having trouble falling asleep, so he came to snuggle with me in my bed. I was asking him about what he learned in church yesterday morning and asked, "who loves you, Ryan?" and he said "God!" (disclaimer: he also added Becca, Mommy, Daddy, Levi, Nathan, and Caleb in there too!) I asked Ryan if he believed in Jesus and wanted to ask Jesus in his heart so that he could go to Heaven. I explained again about how Jesus died for all the bad things that we've done and told him that Jesus can help him make the right decisions. I asked him if he wanted to pray a prayer with me, and he nodded his head. So, I led him in a little prayer of salvation, and he said it with all of his heart!

I'm not quite sure that he completely understands the decision that he made last night., but nowhere in the Bible does is say that one must "understand" to be saved--it only says one must believe. After we prayed and were talking a little bit about all the people (and animals-ha!) that he would see in Heaven, he almost started to cry and said, "Mommy, I don't want to go to Heaven. I want to stay here so I can play with Connor". Oh, my heart just broke for the poor little guy. He really thought that he was going to go to Heaven right then and there! But that almost makes it more special because he chose to trust Jesus enough that he asked Him in to come into his heart fully believing that he would go to Heaven that very minute. Ryan was quite relieved when I told him that he didn't have to go to Heaven right away :)

I'm excited for my little man and I just pray that the decision he made last night at least laid a foundation for him to make a fully conscious choice to follow Jesus later on his life. Pray for him!

I have not been out of this house since Tuesday morning. I could get out with a little work digging out the van, but that motivation hasn't exactly hit yet. But nothing else makes you feel much crazier than being trapped in a 1200 sq. ft home with 3 needy children for 3 days. Hubby is on dayshifts (which is weird for him and dare i say, i might actually like him on swing shifts better? hmmm) and doesn't get home until supper time or after, so it's pretty much been me and the kiddos. I sooo wish I could be one of those supermoms who likes to do crafts and projects and bake with the kids. But i don't. I love actually doing it, but the planning and the cleaning up...not so much. So my kids are bored, I am bored, and we are just completely driving each other crazy. I think Connor even has cabin fever.

But in the midst of the crazies setting, i've had a lot time to accomplish things that I have been wanting to for a long time. The laundry piles are dwindling, the dishes are clean, the kitchen is ALMOST organized, and I've ran a mile on the treadmill twice so far this week. I've never run a mile straight in my life, I'm pretty sure.

Becca just walked in the living room and said, "Mom, you left your coffee by my computer. And guess what? I love it" Oh no! What did I do? But, hey, it was the first time i laughed out loud all day.

Maybe I should have "snow weeks" more often....umm...nevermind :)

washed white as snow

Isaiah 1:18 says that our sins can be washed white as snow.

With nearly 4 foot of snow on the ground here in Chester county, PA and a raging blizzard going on outside, that verse is really sticking in my mind today. The snow is such a beautiful reminder of how God can clean out our lives if we allow Him to. I'm not so good at that "allowing" part. It's so hard sometimes to open our lives up to God and to really share with Him who we are. Yeah, I know. He already knows our deepest secrets and hidden thoughts. But He so desires that we share them with Him. Most days, I just don't wanna! It is kinda like my son who thinks Mommy can't see him when he is hiding in plain view. Why do I hide from Him? Is it that I'm that ashamed or that I don't whole-heartedly believe in the truth of His forgiveness? Maybe a little bit of both.

Two months into this new year, I am starting to see the changes in me. I'm starting to get the "want to want to" back . I've struggled with depression for so many years that this baby step alone is a major feat for me. Yes, I'm still struggling, but I'm realizing more and more every day of God's healing going on in my heart, mind, and body. For the past month, I've been meeting friends at the YMCA 4 days a week to exercise. Besides losing 10 lbs in the past month (and according to our Wii, I've lost almost 20 since Christmastime), it's getting me out of the house and giving me more confidence and energy every day. Today, I ran a mile for the first time in my life, I think.

My kids are the light of my life and, of course, the source of most of my frustration. But they are three very good reasons to keep myself accountable--to God, my family, and to others. My attitude and heart directly affects theirs and I'm seeing that very clearly these days. That doesn't mean that I am doing well at watching what I say and do, but at least I'm realizing it and making steps to change it. Becca talks about Heaven and Jesus at least once every day. She has been writing letters to Jesus on her "drawing board". Ryan, although not quite mature enough to understand what it means to have a relationship with God, says grace at mealtimes every night, and when he's not being his bad 3 year old self, is the kindest, most gentle little boy I've ever met. And, of course, there's Connor--my sweet little snugglebug. I love seeing him grow and change, but am definitely wanting to freeze this moment in time with him. I just can't stop hugging and holding him. After having the two miscarriages before getting pregnant with him, I still can hardly believe he is really here. And with the death of a friend's newborn baby just a few weeks ago, God has definitely reminded me of just has much He has blessed our little family....even if I am sleep-deprived : )

I am so grateful for the little changes I am seeing in my family. I am blessed to have a wonderful, inspiring church family who challenges me in my faith (like today and every 10th day of the month when I will be doing some sort of "fast"). And I am thankful for reminder of God's forgiveness in the snow. All four foot of it.

prayers and tears

This is such a sad day to start a blog. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face in sorrow for a precious family who lost their baby boy today. My friend was due in March to have her third child. I found out she was pregnant shortly before my sweet Connor was born. They found out last week that the baby had little to no chance of survival. She went in for an emergency c-section this morning, and their baby boy is with Jesus tonight. I've been praying, crying, and holding Connor so tightly today. Even though I do know the sorrow of losing my own precious babies to miscarriages, I cannot fathom having a child's life inside me for nearly 9 months only to never be able to rock him to sleep at night.

Days like today remind me of how much I have yet to understand about God. How is it that God allowed me (of all horrible sinners) to have three beautiful, healthy babies when my friend and others who have followed God so much more diligently have their babies taken away from them? I am not sure that I will ever have that answer, but while I search for it, I am going to thank God every day that He has chosen to bless me. I will try to do everything I can to be deserving of the three little blessings He has given to me.