Baby steps

Over the last week, I've watched my sweet little Connor try so hard to take his first real baby steps. He can stand up on his own and he claps his little hands so hard every time he does. But, at this point, he will only walk when someone is holding his hand. The minute I let go, he sit downs on the ground--purely out of fear, I'm sure, and not for the lack of ability.

The other night, as I was trying so hard to get back to sleep after one of the kids woke me in the middle of the night, I just kept thinking of how exciting it is to watch my little ones grow. Connor is the 3rd child. He's lucky that I remember to feed him sometimes, let alone help him learn how to walk. But the delight it brings me to see him learning new things makes me wonder if this joy is a touch of what God feels when He sees His children taking their first baby steps in our relationship with Him.

From the moment I became a mother, there was no doubt in my mind that there was a God. None. Most of you parents can understand that feeling completely. There is nothing like the miracle of a newborn baby to remind you that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made by our creator (check out Psalm 139 if you haven't read it in a while!). But most of you can probably also understand that past hurts and failures often keep us from taking those first very important baby steps after we've made a decision to trust in God. And just like Connor does when I let go of his hand, when things get rough and we don't feel God's hand holding ours anymore, we quit trying--not because we can't keep walking, but because we are afraid of falling. I'm so very guilty of this.

Often times, I am really hard on myself for not being a faster learner. I see others who are seemingly so much stronger in their faith than I am, and I get discouraged. I wonder if God is disappointed in me that I'm not "there" yet, but over the past week or so, God has made it very clear to me that He is not at all disappointed. Am I mad at Connor for not being walk steadily on his own yet? Of course not. In the same way, I'm realizing that God DOES delight in me taking baby steps in my walk with Him. He doesn't get frustrated when I fall because He knows that is how I have to learn to get back up again.

This week, as I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, I am so thankful for God's patience with me. I am thankful for the gift of seeing my children grow. And I'm thankful for the reminders that baby steps are just that--steps! Small as they might be, if I get good enough at taking them, they'll eventually get me somewhere :)

How did I get here?!

I've had many moments in my life where, in a quiet moment (often at very random times and places), I've thought, "How did I get here?" Not "here" in a physical sense, but at the place in life that I find myself in. Sometimes I've had to ask myself that in the hard times, after a heartbreak or a string of bad decisions. But more often than not it's just because I've been living my life on autopilot and not really living in the moment.

I had one of those moments recently at a stoplight next to Walmart driving my minivan with three very loud children in the backseat. See, when I think of myself, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am a mom. I am a MOM. I am a wife. What?!? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was a misguided college girl without a care in the world? That crazy college kid became a mom before she was ready, that's for sure, but in that moment sitting in my "mommy van", I was just overwhelmingly thankful. How did I get here?? Only by the grace of God. Yup. That's it!

I had another one of those moments this morning after changing Connor's 5th messy diaper (due to a stomach bug). I was sitting on the floor of bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet because, well, besides the fact that poo is just gross, it's doubly nasty when you are 10 weeks pregnant. Yup. I said pregnant :) Chris and I are absolutely delighted that we will, God-willingly, be welcoming our 4th child into this world in early June. I never thought I'd be announcing that I'm pregnant with my 4th child at the age of 26. Actually, I never really thought I'd be saying that at all. I'm so glad that God had other plans for my life because the direction He has taken me in is so much better than any plans that I had made for myself! So maybe it's ok that I don't know how I got "here" because perhaps that means that I haven't been the one in the driver's seat after all. Thank you, Jesus, for taking the wheel of my life. Turns out, You are better at getting me where I need to be than I will ever be!